When I was a child, I always think that money can give me everything that I want. I also think that poor people can’t do everything that they want so I always discriminate the poor people.
One day I was go back to home I saw a poor old man sitting on the street I go and close to him and say you very poor you life looks very pity you can’t do everything that you want to do.(I always do that when I was young.)but that old man smailed and say I looks poor but I am still have a happy life
Rich and powerful can get everything is not a correct concept that people has different behavior as animals because people have feelings, there is love, it is thoughtful. We can get Money by our hands, but we can’t get love，high quality and feeling.
Human beings have both physical and spiritual, and human, the real existence and enjoyment is the spiritual. Therefore, people should own all the material has the spirit of service in order to obtain eternal happiness. Humanity as the generation on earth ruler, the most important obligation is to know God and worship the Creator
Around us, there are many affairs, and some can be directly felt by the people's senses, and some we know it is there but can not use the senses to touch it, the former is visible in the material world, which is invisible the spiritual world.
Wu, this is a beautiful, rich and philosophical essay. You can improve it by adding some concrete examples, like in the first paragraph, to each body paragraph. Right now it is mostly 'explanation.' Try to add some illustration.
ReplyDelete1. Is there a clear thesis at the end of the introduction?
ReplyDeleteyes
2. Does the thesis have a topic and controlling ideas?
yes
3. does the thesis address the essay topic well?
yes
4. are there at least two body paragraphs of 5 or more sentences?
no
5. Does each body paragraph have a clear topic sentence, and does the topic sentence clearly connect to the controlling ideas of the thesis?
no
6. Can you easily find at least one major detail in each body paragraph? If not, please let the writer know where you are confused about the major detail.
yes
7. Does the writer EXPLAIN and GIVE EXAMPLES for each major detail, and do they help you understand the major detail better? If not, please let the writer know that he/she needs more detail. Also let the writer know if you think the details are not exactly relevant.
no
8. Are the details concrete, not too general? let the writer know if s/he needs to give more interesting, concrete details.
no
9. How is the conclusion--does it cover the main ideas and thesis in new words, and does it make a comment that really makes you think about the essay topic some more? Please be specific about your feedback, don't just say Yes or No.
no, you should add something cover the main ideas
10. What do you like best about this essay? be specific.
you gave some details really interesting